Let me describe to you the soap opera that I find myself witnessing daily... in the animal pen at Kayben Farms. I would like to introduce you to the main characters:
Fern (the mother goat) and her son Alfie: Fern has horns, and she does not hesitate to use them. Alfie tries to follow in his mothers’ footsteps, but he lacks the weight, ferocity, and long horns. Fern is also fat, and Alfie is getting there.
Wilbur, the pig: He is fat and growing quickly, and he thinks that he is entitled to anything edible or semi-edible that exists in the world (though he is quite cheerful about it!).
Molly, the sheep: Molly is at the bottom of the pecking order but seems to be almost oblivious to the fact, as long as she can find food somewhere. Which she apparently does, because she is one FAT sheep.
Daisy, the cow, and her calf (I don’t know his name): Daisy is a very round, very cheerful cow who gets kicked around a lot (literally) by the horses. Daisy’s calf is learning to head-butt like his mother.
The horses (I don’t remember their names and it doesn’t matter, because I just call them “Putz” and “Putz”): They have attitudes, and try to get away with everything they can in order to get more food. They are also very fat. Putz the male is slightly bigger and meaner than Putz the female. He gets first dibs on food and won’t hesitate to bite her if she’s also eating in his area.
Minor Characters:
The chickens: they don’t really have any observable personality.
The ducks: they are very fat and very happy, and go wherever they feel like going (inside or outside of the fence). They love frolicking in dirty water, and waggle their tails and waddle quickly and honk loudly every time they see some.
The weasel: He/she is much bolder than any weasel should be. And sneaky.
The bunnies: They should be called “Houdini 1, Houdini 2, Houdini 3, and The-One-That-Got-Away”
Pilot Episode: I arrive at Kayben Farms, and open the gate to let in the Putzes and Daisy and her calf from the pasture. The Putzes come in right away, but Daisy is in the back of the field. I fill a bucket with oats and walk out towards her, calling, “Kaaaaa-baaas!” (which is how we called the cows when I was a kid). She doesn’t respond to the calling, but when I shake the bucket of food, she perks up. She starts to run towards me, jumping and dancing around, her round belly swaying back and forth. She picks up speed as she gets closer and I picture myself flattened under a 1500-lb dancing, cavorting beef cow. I duck behind a tree. She runs past me, slows down, and turns back towards me, head-butting the pail and trying to block me from moving by walking in circles around me. I lead her (by walking basically in circles as she pushes me), holding the pail up high above my head so she can’t reach it, until she gets into the pen, when I give her the feed and she happily ignores me and scarfs it down. The next morning, all I do is stand by the gate, shake the pail, and here comes the happy, dancing cow!
Episode 1: Fern and Alfie are separated from Wilbur and Molly by a double-layered chicken-wire fence. Fern regularly places her front feet on the top of the fence in order to endear herself to visiting children, so that they will feed her food. Alfie is learning to mimic his mother, but if people try to feed him, she butts him out of the way and gets the food himself. He is reduced to nursing - when she lets him. Wilbur and Molly are the best of friends as long as there are two separate piles of food. If Molly is eating something that Wilbur wants, he bites her in the bum. Wilbur spends his time happily digging holes wherever he can and chewing on whatever he finds. The bunnies, who are in a smaller rabbit run inside Molly and Wilbur’s pen, hop around in circles and do nothing interesting.
Episode 2: Fern somehow squeezes through the fence (and it is a mystery how she accomplishes this, because she is SO fat!) and gets into Molly and Wilbur’s pen. Fern chases both Wilbur and Molly away from all the food every time I come and feed them, and they go running and squealing around the pen. There is now a huge competition for food. When I go into the feed shed to get their feed (and close the door so they don't make a huge mess of things), all four (Fern, Alfie, Molly, and Wilbur) jump up against the door and windows and bleat/ squeal as if I were killing them. As soon as I come out with the pails of feed, Fern jumps up on me, and puts her front feet on my back and shoulders to try get at the pails of food, and the sheep butts me, and the pig runs into my legs, leaving muddy streaks all over me. Plus the chickens and ducks have figured out that it's a bit more of a competition, so they run all over the place underfoot, cackling and crowing and quacking. And the rabbits run in circles inside their enclosure - maybe eager for food, maybe just really freaked out. Every time I go in there, it is a noisy gong show, with animals chasing each other all over the place, squealing, baa-ing, bleating, quacking, and cackling. I tell them that they are putzes and I would like to eat them all.
Episode 3: As I go to feed the animals one day, Fern, still thinking she can bully me, rushes through the door to get at the feed bins. I plant myself between her and the feed and say (picture drama-queen attitude here), “Oh? You think so, eh?”. Yes, I actually say this out loud. To a goat. I turn her towards the door, and standing behind her, grab her by the horns and push her towards the opening. She plants her feet and refuses to move. I give her a good knee in the butt that sends her flying out the door. I slam the door and brush off my hands, satisfied. When I come out of the shed, Fern is head-butting the feed trough, spilling animal feed all over the pen. As I watch, she starts chasing and head-butting all the other animals, for no reason at all. She is having a temper tantrum! I decide that I have a personality clash with Fern.
Episode 4: I arrive at the animals’ pen one morning to find that there are no bunnies in the rabbit run. I inspect the cage, and find no holes or anything. I have no idea how they escaped. I don’t see them anywhere, and figure they’ll either turn up later or they’ve already been eaten by something. Meanwhile, the horses have decided that the cows are not worthy of eating from the same area. Putz the male kicks Putz the female if she eats “his” food, and Putz the female runs at Daisy and kicks her if she tries to eat the “horse” food. Daisy is so hungry (or at least thinks she’s hungry) that she head-butts her calf if he tries to eat “her” food. I start making four piles of food for them.
Episode 5: I am emptying the kiddie-pool with the dirty duck water in it, and apparently not thinking very well. It starts heading straight for the animal feed, and I think, “oh, great, now these spoiled, entitled animals will refuse to eat this food because it got wet. Shoot! Why didn’t I think before I emptied this?” And then, to my surprise, the water completely disappears - the entire kiddie pool full! - down a hole in the ground. And I think, “Haha... sucker! That’ll teach that gopher to dig a hole here! Apparently he wasn’t the brightest bulb in the box.” Later that day, as I am boxing up black currants, I catch movement out of the corner of my eye. I turn slowly, and see a twitching nose. A mouse? A rat? One of the escaped bunnies? No... it comes out from behind the weigh scale, a long, lean body; crafty, inquisitive eyes; tan-coloured markings; quick movements; a rodent-like face... It comes towards me, probably 4 feet away, and I don’t move. I’m trying to figure out what it is, and why it is so bold. It looks at me, wiggles its nose, and runs away. It is a weasel. I begin to think that hole in the animal pen was not caused by a gopher after all. I also begin to think that I will never see the bunnies again.
Episode 6: Three of the bunnies reappear. One of them does not; he must have gone on to better things. Apparently the bunnies are safe within the pen, because Fern attacks any intruders. My attitude towards Fern starts to improve. To be continued...
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